The Lie-Clock.

A man died and went to heaven.

As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks in front of him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone whoever lived onEarth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

The man noticed a clock a clock stuck on 12 o'clock. "Oh," said the man,"whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved,indicating that she never told a lie."

He noticed another one at 2 minutes past 12. "Incredible," said the man."And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded,"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling usthat Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Brian Cowen's clock?" asked the man."Brian's clock is in Gods' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.

CIGARETTE: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other!

MARRIAGE: It's an agreement wherein a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master

LECTURE: An art of transmitting Information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of students without passing through the minds of either

CONFERENCE: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present

COMPROMISE: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece

TEARS: The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine water-power!

DICTIONARY: A place where divorce comes before marriage

CONFERENCE ROOM: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on

ECSTASY: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before

CLASSIC: A book which people praise, but never read

SMILE: A curve that can set a lot of things straight!

OFFICE: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life

YAWN: The only time when some married men ever get to open their mouth

ETC: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do

COMMITTEE: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together

EXPERIENCE: The name men give to their mistakes

ATOM BOMB: An invention to bring an end to all inventions

PHILOSOPHER: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead

DIPLOMAT: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip

OPPORTUNIST: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river

OPTIMIST: A person who while falling from EIFFEL TOWER says in midway "SEE I AM NOT INJURED YET!"

PESSIMIST: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in OPPORTUNITY

MISER: A person who lives poor so that he can die RICH!

FATHER: A banker provided by nature

CRIMINAL: A guy no different from the other, unless he gets caught

BOSS: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early

POLITICIAN: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence Later

DOCTOR: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by his bills!

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The man from Mayo fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said. The man from Galway reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Dubliner started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The Dub replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins....